Same same but different?
I’m not sure what the difference is anymore.
Oh is it June already? Weird, didn’t realize.
Since March 2020, my days and nights are one and the same. At least for the mind. There’s this saying on tourist tee-shirts in Thailand years ago — “Same same but different” — that seems to be life at the moment. Except, what’s different isn’t obvious anymore.
It’s been 15 months in this pandemic. 15 months of “same same but different”. 15 months of relentless work, where the lines between online and offline are blurred. 15 months of only this many activities one can do and repeat in the house. 15 months of not getting to dine at a restaurant…. take out, UberEats, sitting out on our deck, spicing up the mundane by doing homemade Korean BBQ…
15 months of life on hold.
I remember in 2020, they said “oh summer is coming so the virus may die in the heat. We have hope!” And then with the blink of an eye, it’s autumn, then the cold comes and it’s winter… and boom, it’s again summer… and it’s 2021.
Life is on hold.
Yes the vaccines give hope. And people are starting to talk about life going back to normal… whatever that normal really means.
But my patience and my ability to stay hopeful has worn. My state of burnout is now charred and in ashes. The term burn out is so far gone off the spectrum of manageable. It’s just a constant numbness… scrounging for the glimmer of strength and motivation that fourth cup of coffee falsely gives you every morning… just so you can do your job.
I’m lucky to have a deck with some patio furniture so I can sit out there when Toronto’s weather isn’t being fickle. Some days I get to bring my laptop out there and work throughout the day — even if I can barely see anything on the screen. But then what? Working more hours than normal, where the end of day is blurred, when the pressure is still intense and the paycheck that’s supposed to your earned rewards just goes to bills.
So let me get this right… the last 15 months has been colorfully filled with stress at work, working longer hours for an insufficient paycheck that is only enough to pay bills, no ability to have entertainment except Netflix, little change in environment, no travel ability, everything is closed, can barely physically see people, countless video conference calls, stuck at home 99% of the time, eat, sleep, work, repeat…
In case you’re wondering, I’m not intending to turn this around to make it more optimistic. Listen, I’ve tried a long time to be optimistic but I’m just… tired. I just wanted to take a second to just wallow in this situation that you know as well as I do, is what every one is feeling. And it’s ok to feel crappy.
But we’re in it together. Let’s ride it through… together.
Or go on Clubhouse and get addicted to people talking about absolutely nothing… all day long.
Author’s note: All opinions expressed are of my own and do not have affiliations with any corporate entity.
