Reverse Victim Abuser: The Expert Manipulator
When they make you believe that they are the victim…
You are B.
A: Why’d you wear those thick socks I just washed?
B: Because it’s cold outside, and it’s clean and I need to go to the store to get groceries.
A: But I washed them so we can bring them to the cottage.
B: I get that but the cottage is 3 days away and we don’t have any other clean socks.
A: Yes we do, they are in the drawer!
B: Those are summer socks. It’s really cold. I need warm socks to go out.
A: But now we have to wash them again!
B: Then we’ll wash them again. We have a few days. Are you expecting us not to wear socks for 3 days?
A (probably realizes they are being unreasonable): You always do this.
B: Do what?
A (makes a generalized statement to attack): Not think ahead.
B (you’re getting frustrated): About socks?!
A (they are blaming you now): No, everything.
B (you’re confused and upset): I don’t get it! It’s just socks.
A (takes the opportunity): It’s always something.
B (you’re angry, possibly with voiced raised): What the hell are you talking about?! Are you seriously fighting with me about socks?!
A (invalids you): Why are you screaming at me? I was just telling you that we would need to do laundry again if you wore those socks. Why are you making such a big deal about this?
B (hysterical): I’m making a big deal about this?! And I wasn’t screaming at you.
A (they have you hooked): Yes you were. You raised your voice first and you’re still shouting at me. Why do you always get so angry? It’s like I can never do anything right…
At this point, the abuser might be visibly upset… it makes it all so believable.
—
In this scenario, your logical sensibility to diffuse or decipher the situation is now impaired because you’re emotionally tangled in a web of confusion, anger, sadness, guilt and regret. You might think that maybe, just maybe, you blew up a simple comment about socks. Maybe, just maybe, you do get angry too quickly. Maybe you do hurt their feelings by not controlling yours. Maybe you don’t pay attention to the things they do around the house enough and you were insensitive for taking a clean pair of socks that was meant to be brought to the cottage. You’re a horrible person who doesn’t care about their feelings….
Is this familiar? This is called Reverse Victim Abuse.
Reverse Victim Abuse is more common than you think. This is unlike other forms of abuse like domestic violence, physical or verbal abuse. This is one of the more subtle forms of abuse that is hard to catch.
Reverse Victim Abuse is when someone uses gaslighting as a way to manipulate you into thinking you are in the wrong and you are the abuser. In other words, they play on your emotions to feel bad about something that you shouldn’t have to in the first place.
Let me give you another an example… you’re in a car and you’re having a normal argument with your partner about something they did that you didn’t like — let’s assume it’s reasonable. Their body language is collected and calm but their choice of words pierce through you causing anger and frustration to stew inside. You attempt to tell them that their words are hurting you and you’re getting upset… they raise their voice slightly and say “you’re acting out” or “you’re just being unreasonable”. Your blood levels rise and you start shouting at them. They are not hearing you… they are deliberately provoking your anger. You’re hysterical at this point, possibly crying… you can no longer control your emotions… and they say “see, you’re still being unreasonable. why can’t you just talk to me properly like an adult.”
Turning an argument around to make you the problem is a classic strategy of the reverse victim abuser. They make you believe they are the victim so that you feel bad. You give in. You apologize. You relent. They control the narrative. They win. Again. And over and over…
PS: This doesn’t only happen in romantic relationships. It happens in the workplace and with family and friends.
I’d like to pause here and say that not every one consciously knows that they are exhibiting behaviors of a reverse victim abuser and many of them won’t take it very well if you bring it to their attention.
There are ways to recognize a reverse victim abuser but the main things is to control your emotions so that you can see the signs as they surface.
Equaling the ‘playing field’
In our society, the mobile phone is our lifeline. We spend hours on end scrolling through social media, texting, reading, watching videos, and so on. Spending ‘quality time’ with your loved ones could mean sitting together on the couch playing on your phones individually.
Let’s just say for a moment that, in truth, you and your partner’s relationship is largely with the back of their phones. But you both agreed to make an effort to put the phones away while cooking together, at the dinner table, or watching tv together — actual quality time. But tonight your partner had been on their phone chuckling for the last 5 minutes while having dinner while you were quieting waiting and eating your food.
So you ask them politely to put their phone away because you both made a promise. They said “just a minute, I need to respond to this text. It’s work.” You question, “Is there a work crisis?” They say it’s their boss. You repeat the question, “But is there a crisis at work that you have to attend to?” They respond, slightly caught-off guard: “no, it’s just my boss texting me something funny. It’ll be 2 seconds.”
You: “And do you have to respond to it now? If it’s not urgent, can you put your phone away?” They snap, “It’s just 2 seconds!”
A minute goes by and you’re still quieting eating your food… annoyed. You decide to say “2 seconds was up a while ago.”
They type something quickly and forcefully put their phone on the table. “There, I put it away.”
“Thank you.” You say.
“To be fair, you do this to…” They say.
THERE IT IS.
“Do what?”
“Play on your phone!”
“I’ve been sitting here quietly waiting for you to get off your phone since we started dinner. We made a promise.”
“Yes, I put it away, didn’t I?”
“After I told you to! It wasn’t even urgent.”
“Whatever, you play on your phone equally as much as I do. Don’t even pretend. This was ONE time. I’ve gotten a lot better already. And you only ever call out when I make a mistake. What about all the other times I wasn’t on my phone?”
“…”
(You can decide how the rest of the night went.)
Belittling and undermining you
Ever leave an argument feeling like stupid or like your confidence has been yanked out of your bottom?
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Since when did you become the relationship expert. Just look at your past.”
“I have experience in this and you don’t so you’re wrong.”
“I’m trying to make you see what you’re doing. I didn’t start this.” (They did.)
“You’re making things up. You can’t even remember what you had for dinner two nights ago.”
“That never happened.” (It did.)
“You had everything handed to you growing up. I came from a poor family. You will never understand hardship.”
“You control how you feel, I’m not doing anything to you. You choose to feel this way.”
… and so on…
(Obviously I’m making some of these randomly specific.)
An abuser will make you question, distrust and doubt yourself. Did that really happen or was I making it up? They say things in a matter of fact way and find cracks in your arguments to make you unreliable. Sometimes they use their hardships or strengths to their benefit. They can manipulate your compassionate and sympathetic nature by turning you into a insensitive or aggressive character.
Blocking and interrupting you
Can’t get a word in? Yep, that’s one of their techniques. Getting constantly interrupting you means they have no interest in listening to your point of view. You will argue against anything that you say — opinions, thoughts, feelings, etc. They interrupt you and put words in your mouth. Sometimes, the argument is going so fast and so messy that you stop knowing who’s said what because you’re constantly getting interrupted.
And now is the perfect time for them to say “YOU SAID THIS.”
Did you? Probably not… they probably did but you’re so confused that you think you do because you heard it in the chaos.
Blocking is another tactic. Simply, by them shutting down the conversation abruptly, removes all your ability to stand up for yourself or attempting to have a constructive conversation. This can happen by switching conversations, accusing you or essentially saying “Shut up.”
Confronting the abuse
Confronting this type of abuse is never easy. A conscious abuser has trained themselves to assume control and write the narrative to their benefit. They are experts in manipulation and they usually know exactly how to push your buttons to get the outcome they want.
The worse ones are the ones closest to you who you know very well. In fact, they make you believe that they know you better than you know yourself.
It will take some practice to build up your confidence and self-esteem but you can try some of these tactics to confront the abuse.
The main objective is to take back the power and set boundaries.
The very first step before using these tactics is to stop talking, breathe, collect yourself, and then respond:
Deflection with humor
This could be one of the easier tactics to start with. It might not always be the right response but using humor to deprive the abuser of the power they seek will disarm them and give you back equal footing.
Repeat back what they said
When you take what they said about you and respond in a calm and firm manner, it increases the impact of you setting the boundary:
Statement: “You don’t know what you’re doing!”
Response: “I disagree, I know exactly what I’m doing.”
Be firm and forceful with intent
When they speak to you in a demeaning or condescending way, or when they raise their voice at you, you can respond with firm and forceful statements to set the boundary.
“Don’t talk to me like that.”
“That was demeaning and condescending.”
“Don’t use that tone on me.” / “Watch your tone.”
“Stop it.”
Sometimes you might be met with them saying “or what?” To which, you can tell them that you will not continue this conversation with them.
If possible, remove yourself from the situation.
Now I’m not saying that any of these will fix your relationship. By taking back the power, you’re building yourself back up and giving yourself confidence to confront abuse that messes with your mental health. For many, if the abuser doesn’t realize what they are doing, or what they are doing is wrong, the relationship won’t persist. The chances of you calling it off after you’ve realized how toxic they are is high.
At the same time, it doesn’t mean that someone who uses this abusive technique can’t change. Like I said before, sometimes they don’t even know they are doing it.
Communication is key. Talk to each other about it. It might take several tries but if you both are serious about the relationship then you will want to work to mend it. Set boundaries with each other. Give each other permission to call each other out. Be more understanding to any situation impacting their words/actions/mood that day.
“I’m not going to have this conversation with you right now.”
“I’m going to leave the room now. Come and talk to me when you’re ready to have a reasonable one.”
Repeat if you need to. But the most important thing is to have constructive and calm conversations. That doesn’t mean it won’t be emotional but make sure you both listen to each other.
And before we go, I will leave you with this last advice…
DON’T LEAVE ANYTHING UNRESOLVED.
Author’s note: All opinions expressed are of my own and do not have affiliations with any corporate entity.
