Be A Leader, Not A Boss
Know the difference. Be the difference.
It’s a hard pill to swallow when you’re met with the cold, hard truth that you’re not seen as a leader. The term “leader” in business is often used loosely and callously.
“I’m a leader because I’m part of the leadership team.”
“I’m a leader because I lead a team, I’m a performance manager.”
“I’m a leader because I am a partner in my firm.”
“I’m a leader because I’m the only person that can do this job.”
I’m sure you could be a leader in the pure sense of you being good at your job and leading a team to executing on something… but are you a leader in the way that you lead? Are you a leader in how you interact with your employees and coworkers? Are you a leader in how you deal with issues and concerns? Are you a leader when someone asks for help?
It’s even weirder when you work under someone who is clearly a boss who attempts to coach you into being a leader. In theory, they can recite what it takes to be a good leader and they can tell you that you have developmental areas in becoming one. But people learn (also) by example, and when you’re not demonstrating the qualities of a leader, how do you really expect your people to learn from you?
The qualities of a leader and boss are quite different. There have been many memes and infographics showing these differences. Culture teams in organizations trying to build a workforce of leaders also hold with workshops and character building classes to teach people to become leaders.
There are many more characteristics that differentiate a boss and a leader. In my experience working with different managers, I’ve found the following to be the most relatable and true:
A boss will tell you what to do; A leader will show you how to do it
It’s a top-down mentality. “Do it my way because I’m the boss.” A boss thinks they are smarter than their staff, all the time, and that they must have the last say. They want control over everything that will help them look good. A leader invests their time in teaching their people. The smartest leaders in the world tend to hire people they think are smarter than them. When you spend time teaching your people, you’re invested in their learning and growth, and encourage sustainable learning and self-reliance.
A boss talks more than they listen; A leader listens more than they talk
Your opinion rarely matters to a boss. Sometimes they might appear to listen to you but often their response is condescending or usually directive. This also means that they tend to give you the answer more rather than having a discussion with you to find a solution. And their answers are usually loaded with “how could you have not thought about this” notions that make you feel small. A leader will take the time to listen to you and work with you to find solutions. The emotional quotient (EQ) of a leader is usually what sets them apart from someone that is a boss.
A boss focuses on the fault; A leader focuses on the solution
A boss will blame you for a mistake and often will make it known to stakeholders that you’ve made a mistake. A leader will seek to understand how the mistake happened and will focus on finding a fix for the problem. A leader also will take responsibility for that mistake in front of stakeholders and focus on the ‘we’ versus ‘you’.
A boss is motivated by competition; A leader is motivated by passion and purpose
A boss is competitive and sometimes conniving. They want to be seen as the best even if that means blocking your success. They always want to be ‘the boss’ and often is jealous when other people succeed. A leader wants you to be more successful than them and finds joy and pride in other people’s successes.
A boss criticizes; A leader encourages
A boss tends to focus on your weaknesses and finds reasons to criticize you or your work. A leader recognizes your work and talents and often praises you for them. In weakness, a leader coaches you to help you grow.
A boss is egotistical; A leader is willing to be vulnerable
A boss tends to be overly proud of their achievements, often bragging and feeling justified for their behaviors. They believe they are better than others. A leader is willing to level with you and simply be human. Their pride is in the collective (team), not in their own achievements.
A boss takes credit; A leader gives credit
A boss wants to look good in front of their stakeholders and take the credit for the work done by the team. A leader will give the credit and reward those who contributed to the success. A leader views success as a team effort, not their own.
A boss is authoritative; A leader is compassionate
A boss depends on enforcing authority and fear on their people. A boss makes you do the work. A leader creates a safe space and encourages enthusiasm and excitement. A leader does the work together with you.
It’s a rather complex array of qualities to be an effective leader, and I don’t believe it’s something that you can just learn. Qualities like compassion, humility, empathy (among others) need to be cultivated overtime into one’s personality. I’ve experienced managers who understand what it takes to be a good leader and have tried consciously to demonstrate those qualities. And it might work for a couple of weeks but when under pressure, they regress back into what is most natural to them — and that’s being a boss.
It’s hard to blame them, really. A lot depends on one’s personality and their own conditioning through their experiences with their managers over the course of their career.
It’s strange because it’s like parenting, or the child subject to a parenting style. Some kids grow up to be exactly how their parents were, others grow up consciously doing everything they can to be opposite of their parents. It’s similar in the workplace, if you’re around a toxic, micro-managing boss and you understand the consequences of how that makes you (as a staff member) feel and think, you either learn from that boss, or do everything you can to become the opposite.
For me, at the very core of it all, what really differentiates a boss and leader is how they care for your well-being.
It’s not even about your performance or succeeding in your role, they actually care about you. When they ask how you are doing, they are asking about your mental health, how you’re coping and how you’re feeling. They care about your well-being more than they care about getting the job done. I’m not saying getting the job done is not important, but leaders understand that we are human beings who go through life with ups and downs and we all cope differently.
Bosses don’t usually care about you, at least not as much as the job. Bosses just want you to get the job done. I’ve had experiences when a boss insisted for me to get non-urgent work done before I took some sick leave even though I had a pounding migraine. I even had an instance where I was at breaking point and requested for couple of days mental health break but I was told to only take it two days later so that I could get work done for them. It wasn’t even because I was the only one with the skills, it was because they simply wanted me to do it.
Leaders understand that the success of the work depends on the health of their employees. Happy, ambitious, enthusiastic employees under healthy working conditions will outperform those who are depressed, fearful, angry employees under toxic, controlling and unhealthy working conditions.
Employees who have good leaders will want to go above and beyond, and they tend to enjoy like their jobs. In my conversations with people, the number one reason people stay or leave their jobs is because of their managers. This means that there are people who may not like what they do but love their managers so they rather stick out and and remain loyal to their leaders. Others may love the job itself but hate their managers so they choose to leave. That says enough.
A mentor once told me that if I shifted my perspective when dealing with a difficult boss and approach things in a way that makes them feel like I’m contributing and setting them up for success, things will automatically get better. What this means is, if I boost their ego and they win, then I win too. No offense… this wasn’t a very good advice. What this showed me is that bad behavior is being rewarded and it is the employee’s prerogative to change and adapt. Now this isn’t a be-all-end-all statement… I just didn’t think it worked for me. It was a temporary solution to an acute issue and it only works when things go well.
So… here’s a little food for thought to managers out there who have people working for them. What legacy do you really want to leave behind? Professional relationships are not too different from the ones you cultivate outside of work. People are either for you or against you, no matter your seniority.
Author’s note: All opinions expressed are of my own and do not have affiliations with any corporate entity.
